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Autism- what am I feeling?

I often feel overwhelmed by emotions in different situations since I tend to feel very intense about things. Inside of me a fire is raging.I either freeze in paralysis or lash out in frustration, just wanting to get rid of the strong emotions.

By reacting this way it’s very difficult for me to express how I feel and to act adequately in these situations. This often results in me being seen as either emotionless or a psycho who can’t control my emotions.

Recently I learned about Alexithymia. A condition common with autism, characterized by difficulty recognizing, and putting into words, one’s feelings. But also difficulty distinguishing between different emotions and bodily signals, such as pain.

Yesterday my parents dog injured a claw, causing strong emotions for me. My parents took the situation with the injured claw very calmly. That didn’t help me, since I interpreted their calm as ignorance. My emotional response was so strong I lashed out at them in pure frustration and started to argue with them at the same time as I called the vet, trying to take control over the situation.

Having difficulties identifying and understanding both my own and others emotions and intentions, make situations like this very complicated for me. Misunderstandings often occur.

I often need to explain myself and take responsibility for how I handled situations once my brain has caught up and got the whole picture. I often feel very ashamed over my reactions.All this processing makes me exhausted. Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m so tired, but then I look back a few days and realize I dealt with emotional storms like these and their aftermaths.

Now that I know why situations like this is hard for me, I can try to prevent and use coping strategies. That doesn’t mean I always succeed. But I don’t hate myself as much anymore when situations like this arise. Being able to explain to people why it’s happening takes away some of the guilt and feelings of failure emotionally.By knowing this I can also ask people for help. I can ask for clarity and for patience with me in these situations.

Do you want to see what other autistic people have to say about the subject, see here where I first posted this text —>https://www.instagram.com/p/CjNGaZxsMfv/

Thank you for reading.

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