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Autism- what am I feeling?

I often feel overwhelmed by emotions in different situations since I tend to feel very intense about things. Inside of me a fire is raging.I either freeze in paralysis or lash out in frustration, just wanting to get rid of the strong emotions.

By reacting this way it’s very difficult for me to express how I feel and to act adequately in these situations. This often results in me being seen as either emotionless or a psycho who can’t control my emotions.

Recently I learned about Alexithymia. A condition common with autism, characterized by difficulty recognizing, and putting into words, one’s feelings. But also difficulty distinguishing between different emotions and bodily signals, such as pain.

Yesterday my parents dog injured a claw, causing strong emotions for me. My parents took the situation with the injured claw very calmly. That didn’t help me, since I interpreted their calm as ignorance. My emotional response was so strong I lashed out at them in pure frustration and started to argue with them at the same time as I called the vet, trying to take control over the situation.

Having difficulties identifying and understanding both my own and others emotions and intentions, make situations like this very complicated for me. Misunderstandings often occur.

I often need to explain myself and take responsibility for how I handled situations once my brain has caught up and got the whole picture. I often feel very ashamed over my reactions.All this processing makes me exhausted. Sometimes I don’t understand why I’m so tired, but then I look back a few days and realize I dealt with emotional storms like these and their aftermaths.

Now that I know why situations like this is hard for me, I can try to prevent and use coping strategies. That doesn’t mean I always succeed. But I don’t hate myself as much anymore when situations like this arise. Being able to explain to people why it’s happening takes away some of the guilt and feelings of failure emotionally.By knowing this I can also ask people for help. I can ask for clarity and for patience with me in these situations.

Do you want to see what other autistic people have to say about the subject, see here where I first posted this text —>

Thank you for reading.

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It ‘s not that I don ‘t like people…

I love my friends, and my family. And I don ‘t have any problems with people per se. It ‘s that I often feel crowded being around people. I think it partly has to do with the fact that they send out so many signals. Except for talking it ‘s also body gestures, feelings etc. There are simply too many sensory impressions at the same time. Thought this reel was a fun way to illustrate how I feel. Click here to watch it —->

Oh, and also. I decided to write this blog in english to make it available for more people. I have tried to use applications to have multiple languages available on the blog, but for now I can ‘t seem to make it work.

Thank you for reading.

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Wellmeaning neurotypicals

Sometimes people say things, meaning well, but the result is not exactly that. I want to illustrate that with this reel. Of course I don ‘t really think neurotypicals are stupid, it ‘s just a bit fun to make a statement like this. Watch it here —>

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Overcoming autism?

After I received my autism diagnosis, people often look at me with a mixture of pity and encouragement. “Think of how much you have succeeded with in your life despite of your autism”.As if autism is something to overcome or fight against.

It’s rare to hear someone say; “What a shame it wasn’t discovered sooner so you wouldn’t have had to struggle so much and become depressed and burned out for so many years. Shame on such an ignorant healthcare system.”

Often when autistic people get highlighted because they achieved something great, it’s emphasized they succeeded DESPITE their autism. That they fought against something and overcame it. People love success stories. I do to. It’s only that I don’t see my autism as something to overcome. Autism isn’t some evil devil to fight against.

What needs to be fought against is society’s ignorance and preconceived notions about autism. These cause people like me to mask my autism and spend my whole life fighting against a society that doesn’t tolerate difference.

Note this; I haven’t fought against my autism. I have fought against a society that refuses to let people like me in unless I simultaneously mask some or all of my autistic traits. And if I necessarily have to be autistic, then I have to be extraordinary in some way to take a place. But then again if I do, it’s not thanks to my autism, but despite of it.

To see autism as something to overcome is nothing more than pure ableism.

I have the right to be Anna. Who is autistic. But who is above all a human being. Who has difficulty with some things, and easier with others. Who is a human before my performance. I shouldn’t have to overcome my autism or perform more than anyone else. It is society that needs to perform more. Be more inclusive, for everyone.

Do you want to see what other autistic people have to say about this then click here to where I first published this text

Thank you for reading.

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Autistic Burnout

The jeans and the patch in the t-shirt itch. Hair feels electric. My whole being feels like a great itchy discomfort. The humming noise of the bus threatens to burst my eardrums. The air is so stuffy. All scents seem amplified. Damp wool, breaths, rubber, perfume. A wall that pushes me into a corner.

The memory of Friday’s disco goes on endless repeat in my head. The guy I’m in love with who chose another girl and tap danced right in front of my eyes. The lump in the throat. A funny feeling of having been cheated without understanding how and why. The music that rang in the ears and everyone talking around. The body that screamed escape but was forced to stay. How I pretended to be interested in terms like mini, midi and long skirt.

The memory is mixed with all the impressions from this morning. My family’s sounds and smells they give off just by existing. Sounds of sticky feet against plastic mats. Scent of eggs, hairspray and dads aftershave. The heat steam from a curling iron. I hate the feeling inside me, just wanting them all to disappear and leave me alone and in peace.

Once at school, I am greeted by a sea of ​​stares. They feel like laser beams. I have no shield. Even though it should be impossible, since there are so many voices, I still make out nuances, whispers, giggles. It’s like I have an extremely sharp camera in my head that insists on documenting every detail even though all I want to do is curl up in a little ball and scream. (Although that, to be honest, is an after-the-fact construction by the adult who writes this text.) Now and then I can’t think like that, I’m busy with all the impressions.

“You have a real Colgate smile”, Grandma says, “that will get you far.” So I smile. The body tenses like a shield. In the classroom; clearing of throats, sneezing, chairs being moved and people coughing and breathing loudly. Pencils scrape, erasers squeak. I look around. Don’t understand why no one reacts. All sounds are amplified. As if someone turned up the volume.

It’s an English test. I steel myself. Biting my cheek and doing my best to shut out all sounds. Squinting through bright fluorescent lights that make the eyes water and translate the Swedish words into English. The test is corrected there and then on the spot and I I score 100%.

The next day I can’t get out of bed. I feel sick. But I’m not sick. Not physically. No fever. No sore throat. It’s inside me. Like a chafing and an endless fatigue that makes me barely able to move. I just know that if everything doesn’t just go black and quiet soon, something inside is going to explode.

What I don’t understand then, is that everything already had exploded. Several times. All the time. That the explosion was inside me. An implosion. That the fatigue I experienced was a result of everything being too much for too long. That all impressions, demands and my constant attempt to fit in had itś price. That Colgate smile, as grandma called it, together with the unbroken facade made me periodically end up in autistic burnout not understanding why. No one understood. Since no one knew I was autistic.

But that’s how it is. When things are too much for too long, it doesn’t work anymore. Thatś the case for all people, autistic or allistic. But for autistic people, just existing in a neurotypical world is too much to begin with. Itś like you start off with minus fifty points in a game where everyone else starts at zero. Then add the extra layer of navigating and trying to perform with everyday life as well and you get the perfect formula for a burnout.

If you want to hear other autistics experiences of this you find it here where I first posted this text

Thank you for reading.

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You dont ‘t look autistic

Is often one of the first things someone says when I tell them I’m autistic. Surprising and annoying often said with a positive undertone. As if it were a compliment.

I’m used to similar comments. When I first fell in love with a girl when I was eighteen, people often said “But you don’t look gay”. And that undertone of something positive in that statement. As if I could at least take comfort in the fact that I didn’t look gay .

All people use stereotypes to some extent to navigate. It is easier for the brain if certain things can be placed in compartments. Farmers are one way, hipsters another etc. When we do that, prejudices are also automatically formed. There is nothing strange about it. We all have prejudices. For a hipster, it may not do much to stand for certain features because they are not a vulnerable group. On the contrary, they represent high status in society.

This is not the case for autistics or LGBTQ+ people. It is still negative in the eyes of many to belong to any of these groups, not to mention being both autistic and LGBTQ+. When you say “you don’t look autistic or gay” with that underlying positive tone you’re not only undermining who I am. You also make me understand that it is something negative.Maybe you think you’re comforting me, making me feel included. But the result is the opposite. Why wouldn’t I want to look autistic or gay? Like it’s something bad?I

f you’re going to necessarily conflate my appearance with being autistic or queer, then say “congratulations, you really do look autistic/queer”. Like that’s a good thing. Like that’s the best thing in the world. Because it is . For me. Because that’s who I am.

If you want to hear what other autistics have to say about this, you find a lot of comments about that here where I first posted this text

Thank you for reading.

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Autism and friendship

Friendship doesn ‘t always come the way society or norms want it to be. I made a video about that. I hope you like it.

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Autism- exekutiv förmåga


Det sägs ofta att autister har sämre exekutiva funktioner inom olika områden av livet. Vad betyder det egentligen? För enkelhetens skull, låt oss översätta ordet “exekutiva funktioner” till “kraft eller färdighet att få saker att hända”. Så vilka områden pratar vi om?

Adaptivt tänkande:

Förmågan att kunna förutse oväntade händelser, snabbt överväga alternativa lösningar och sedan välja det bästa alternativet. Exempel: Jag tar cykeln till jobbet varje morgon. Men i morse var marken täckt av snö och jag kunde inte ta cykeln. Jag var tvungen att snabbt komma på alternativa sätt att ta mig till jobbet och välja det bästa. Eftersom min autistiska hjärna inte är så bra på detta kan jag lätt fastna. Man skulle kunna tycka att jag borde ha vetat att sen höst innebär möjlighet till snö, men min hjärna fungerar inte riktigt så. För mig är det som att livet händer oväntat hela tiden mer eller mindre.


Att planera vardagen är ett sätt att göra livet enklare, att inte behöva tänka i varje situation. Då går det åt mindre energi i stunden och man behöver inte tänka på varje steg hela tiden och livet löper smidigare. Det är toppen.  Men förmågan att planera är ofta lägre hos autister vilket ofta gör det till en ett moment 22. 


Förmågan att reglera och ta kontroll över våra känslor och beteenden i olika situationer. Även om vi kan känna oss väldigt arga, ledsna eller frustrerade; lär vi oss att reglera oss så att vi inte tar ut det på andra människor. Det här är svårare för autister.


Förmågan att memorera och hålla information i huvudet under en längre period. Till exempel telefonnummer, vägbeskrivningar, en instruktion. Tidshantering: Förmågan att uppskatta hur mycket tid som har gått eller att kunna planera hur lång tid något kommer att ta. Det sägs att personer med autism lättare blir distraherade och därför också tappar koll på tiden men också att vi lätt blir så upptagna av vad vi gör och därför tappar koll på tiden. Den autistiska hjärnan är inte bra på multitasking. Att hålla koll på tiden kan vara en sak för mycket. Exempel: Jag tappar ofta tiden när jag duschar eftersom det händer så mycket på samma gång i duschen. Känslan av varmt vatten, ljudet av vattnet, och de olika stegen från att tvätta håret till olika delar av kroppen. För att inte tala om hur tråkigt det är så jag fastnar ofta i tankar och tappar därför koll på tiden.


Förmågan att organisera och prioritera hjälper oss att planera dagliga aktiviteter och hantera vår tid effektivt. Många autister kan tycka att det är svårt att organisera och prioritera på grund av svårigheter att bearbeta information, förstå begreppet tid, planering och alla de ovan listade sakerna som är färdigheter som kallas exekutiv funktion.

Olika förmågor samspelar och påverkar varandra

Som du kan se interagerar dessa olika färdigheter med varandra och påverkar varandra. Sammantaget utgör de den kognitiva kraften att få saker gjorda. Tyvärr är dessa färdigheter försämrade hos autister, mer eller mindre för att varje individ är unik och olika områden kan vara mer eller mindre försämrade. Det har inget med intelligens att göra utan handlar om kognitiv förmåga.